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# 1 A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counselors to the bench.

In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks
her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

# 2 An Architect dies and ends up at the pearly Gates. St. Peter opens up, and tells the architect that he is in the wrong place, and he should have gone to hell. So he goes down to hell and  checks in and starts working in his profession, and before you know it they had all the comforts of life in hell; elevators escalators,  air-conditioning, flushing toilets, running water and much more. Soon God hears of this and summons the Devil up to heaven. God explains to the devil about the mistake that happened and orders the Devil to return the Architect back to Heaven. The devil refuses to comply and God threatens to sue him. The Devil laughs and replies, "OH YA and where do you think you gonna get the lawyers from".

# 3 This Pope dies and he is going to heaven, and the Angel Gabriel is showing him a nice Cottage for his stay in Heaven. On his daily walks he comes through this lush forest and he notices a Beautiful Castle on top of the Mountain and he is asking the Angel what gives with the fancy Castle? The angel told him of the castle and its Luxury from all golden doorknobs to all the marble floors the French maids the butler the chauffeured limousine and the manicured gardens. Very upset about the revelation he is demanding an audience with God, God invites the Pope and asks about his well being. The Pope being very upset about the way he is treated in comparison to the Castles occupants demands to know who it is. God tells the Pope that it is a lawyer who inhabits the castle, and the Pope becomes more and more outraged over this revelation. He tells God of all the work Popes have done over Centuries to get souls into haven and praying with people and all he gets in return is a meager cottage at the end of the lane with no running water or toilet, what an outrage! God begs for understanding and tells the Pope, "Holy Father please understand we have had you all through the centuries, but this is our first Lawyer".

# 4 What do you call 5000 Lawyers at the bottom of Biscayne Bay? A good  beginning.

# 5 Recently it was so cold, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

# 6 A Charlotte, N.C. lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire (among other things).

Within a month, having smoked his entire stock-pile of these great cigars, and not yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series ofsmall fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason:
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued....and won!

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous, however, the judge stated that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and had guaranteed that it would indeed insure them against fire, without defining what is considered "unacceptable fire"- and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his incendiary bamboozle.

NOW FOR THE GOOD PART.............


This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal

Lawyers Award Contest.

#7 At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS
President Dr Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal
complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story :

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr.Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

"Ordinarily, "Dr. Mills continued, "A person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was
occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously
and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt,
one is guilty of the murder of subject "B." When confronted with the
murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun.
He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr.Opus
appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly,

loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.

The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a liking for anal sex, and she was
not sure that it was such a good idea.
The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said that it didn't.
The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't
practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get
The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella
Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. The following are this year's candidates:

1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store.
The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict,
considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms.Robertson's son.

2. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

3. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle.The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr.Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman sitting on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there,how's
it going?"

Having already had a few drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter."

He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?

More good jokes.....

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?” “Phew, that one's easy,” says the teacher, “The Titanic.” “ Alright,” said St.Peter, “you may pass.”
Then the thief got his question: “How many died on the Titanic?” The thief replied, “That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.” And so he passed through. Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: “Name them.”

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories..

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
one of them would you go to lunch or read your newspaper?

What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
They are both extinct.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A round of Skeet.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What does a lawyer do after sex?
Pays the bill.

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

What's black and brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
The prostitute stops screwing you after you are dead.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
The nearest cemetery.

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.

A Bus load full of lawyers to  the convention accidentally  drives over the
cliff and  and explodes.  So much for the good news.  The rescue team
arrives at the site to  inspect the accident, and find one survivor.  So
much for the bad news.

Why do they bury  Lawyers 10 feet deep?  because DEEP DOWN their good
people to.

Lawyer Quickies.....

Q - What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
A - Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

Q - How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A - Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q - Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A - Professional courtesy.

Q - How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A - Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q - Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
A - No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q - How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
A - When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

Q - What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A - A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.

Q - What's the difference between a baseball player and a lawyer?
A - In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

Q - How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A - How many can you afford?

Q - What do you call an honest lawyer?
A - An impossibility.

Q - What is black and white and looks good on a Lawyer?
A - A Doberman

Q - What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
A - Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.

Q - Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A - He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Q - What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
A - He was disbarred.

Q - Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers.
A - People were confused about which side to spit on.

Old man: And what do you do, sir?
Lawyer: I'm a criminal lawyer.
Old man: Aren't they all!

Talk is Cheap - until you hire a lawyer.

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